My first entry

All of my writings are copied from my 'Panic Book' which I write in whenever I experience anxiety or depression, in the hope that writing about it will make myself calmer and that I will begin to see patterns in what causes this problem for me...

Last night I got into bed and immediately didn't feel tired anymore. My mind started racing with negativity and I felt low and lonely. I thought I was completely alone, unloved and lacking in the warmth and compassion that 'normal' people seem to have. I tried breathing steadily and pressing the thoughts down, but my heart had already started racing so much I could hear it beating in my ears. It ended with a brief cry forcing itself out of me - tears just seemed to pour out without me feeling particularly upset - and then making myself stop before my eyes became puffy.
Today I have MS. I am convinced of it. My fingers and hands have been experiencing tingling and numbness for a while, so today when my lips felt numb I decided that I definitely have MS. I spent around 45 minutes Googling the symptoms and being two people - one that laughed at myself as I did it, because it's always the worst-case-scenario diagnosis of 'cancer' or 'impending  death', and one who had already prepared to receive the diagnosis and had begun to feel the terrified feelings of having been given it.
I heard on the news this morning  that 150 families blocked the wishes of their deceased relatives to be an organ donor last year. I rang mum to clarify my wishes to be one and it comforted me. I think I've come to the conclusion that I want as little of me going into the ground as possible. I don't want to be on my own down there, I'd prefer to stay around the living so I'll look up donating myself to medical research.