Thursday 18 April 2013

Sneak

My boss told me that she was proud to have such a lovely girl on her team today. I felt appreciative but completely unable to take the compliment on board. It made me feel really sneaky, like I'd somehow tricked her into thinking I am a nice person, and then a bit nervous that I was going to get found out as the terrible person that I see myself as. I felt on edge for the rest of the day after that, at one point I even acted slightly stand-offish later on in an attempt to show her how much of a shit I can actually be. It's like I felt the need to give her a taster so it isn't so much of a surprise when I carry out the mystery, yet horrendous, future act I have taken it upon myself to predict. This seems to be a long-running theme of mine - seeking, but not needing as such, reassurance and then rejecting it upon receipt. Mostly I embrace my cynical and sarcastic nature, but then I always associate it with being difficult to get on with, being misunderstood and even disliked. So, when I'm complimented in any way I feel the need to face it with disbelief, perhaps I've just grown accustomed to the feeling of being the outsider looking in?

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